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January 20th, 2012

05:32 pm
How could someone so beautiful
Feel anything for me?
Won't you hold me and love me and touch me again
And show me why I believe?

All I have and all I am and all I think and do
Can find it's purpose and meaning and life only in you
Current Music: Indelible - Brooke Fraser

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January 16th, 2012

05:28 pm - You are my hope.
We are not long here
Our time is but a breath
so we'd better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Current Music: C.S. Lewis Song - Brooke Fraser

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November 20th, 2011

07:34 pm - in another life, i would be your girl
if i were braver
i would tell people how i really felt and own it
i would not turn away when you look at me
or tell you how i feel just to laugh it off as a ridiculous joke
i would accept wanting
and waiting wouldn't feel like failure

if i could be me all the time
i would tell you you're beautiful
to me
and i would believe that i could be beautiful to you

sometimes i wonder if there are other versions of me
in parallel universes - similar...but...

maybe one would have faith in herself
and that one there would flirt and then look you in the eye instead of hurriedly laughing and looking away
those other versions of tess might be with any number of people she was honest with
maybe one of them never left new zealand in the first place, wore out the relationship, left and moved on to find companionship elsewhere
one of them would have told him she loved him and would wait until he was ready for her, because she would have had faith in her ability to be wanted and loved
and one of them would tell you she just wants to hold you
she would tell you she wants to be with you, all the time and more, until she convinces you that you're loved

but those other tesses have faith in themselves, believe themselves to be loved, believe themselves to have worth
sometime in the lives of those tesses, someone fought for her, just once, and convinced her it could happen again.
Current Music: The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

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October 8th, 2011

02:19 pm - Worthless
Value, or worth is defined not intrinsically but rather by how much someone will pay or do in order to own an item. When nobody wants something, or somebody, is it not worthless?

"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth"
Current Music: Coldplay - Fix You

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September 25th, 2011

01:03 pm
The world goes on outside my window
leaves rustle in the wind and people go about their busy lives
while i try to remember when i became this person
and how

when my future used to be filled with expectation
now i see only failure and lack

your platitudes irritate me
because nobody can make those promises and so far
you've all been wrong
it's not getting better

for the sake of comfort i try to stay numb
but i still have this loathsome hope
stirring and occasionally awakening

just to remind me how good it once was
before i fucked it all up

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September 20th, 2011

10:42 pm
Was just inspired to change my name. Don't know to what yet...Suggestions?

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10:32 pm
"Joining You"

dear darlin',

your mom, my friend, left a message on my machine. she was frantic
saying you were talking crazy. that you wanted to do away with yourself,
I guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort because we've had
this inexplicable connection since our youth. and yes they're in shock,
they are panicked, you and your chronic, them and their drama.
you this embarrassment - us in the middle of this delusion
if we were our bodies
if we were our futures
if we were our defenses i'd be joining you
if we were our culture
if we were our leaders
if we were our denials i'd be joining you
I remember vividly a day years ago, we were camping, you knew more than you thought you should know.
you said, "I don't want ever to be brainwashed". and you were mindboggling. you were intense.
you were uncomfortable in your own skin. you were thirsty, but, mostly you were beautiful.
if we were our nametags
if we were our rejections
if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you
if we were our indignities
if we were our successes
if we were our emotions i'd be joining you
you and I, we're like 4 year olds, we want to know why and how come about everything,
we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds. and never talk small and be intuitive
and question mightily and find god, my tortured beacon,
we need to find like-minded companions.
if we were their condemnations
if we were their projections
if we were our paranoias i'd be joining you
if we were our incomes
if we were our obsession
if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you
we need reflection; we need a really good memory; feel free to call me a little more often.
Current Music: Alanis Morisette - Joining You

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September 17th, 2011

09:11 pm - I'm still waiting...

by Audre Lorde

Some women love
to wait
for life for a ring
in the June light for a touch
of the sun to heal them for another
woman’s voice to make them whole
to untie their hands
put words in their mouths
form to their passages sound
to their screams for some other sleeper
to remember their future their past.

Some women wait for the right
train in the wrong station
in the alleys of morning
for the noon to holler
the night come down.

Some women wait for love
to rise up
the child of their promise
to gather from earth
what they do not plant
to claim pain for labor
to become
the tip of an arrow to aim
at the heart of now
but it never stays.

Some women wait for visions
that do not return
where they were not welcome
for invitations to places
they always wanted
to visit
to be repeated.

Some women wait for themselves
around the next corner
and call the empty spot peace
but the opposite of living
is only not living
and the stars do not care.

Some women wait for something
to change and nothing
does change
so they change

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September 5th, 2011

05:15 pm
If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?'
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me
Current Music: C.S. Lewis Song - Brooke Fraser

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05:11 pm - Sinking
I think hope is written on our souls the way sex is on yours. Each day it ebbs from me more and more and I find myself in constant anguish, thinking up unthinkable ways to get out of it. How much more can I take? How much more will you put me through?

"Have your way here
Keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without you
Take this ocean of pain that is mine
Throw me a lifeline"
Current Music: Lifeline - Brooke Fraser

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